Hey Readers! I hope everyone is having a great week, its already Wednesday! Its crazy how thrown off I get when there is a holiday on a Monday…in my head my Mondays are Tuesdays and my Thursdays are Fridays…I stay in confusion mode.
Well, this last few weeks have been VERY different in my household, my oldest, Sawyer the Warrior started Preschool. He has been talking about it for a few years and has been asking everyday when he gets to go and every day I answer the same thing, its always, “next year” or “in a few months”..since he’s four he doesn’t always understand time or dates as much as I try and explain it to him, he never got it, until……HE ACTUALLY STARTED SCHOOL.
Leading up to this day, I heard a lot of different opinions from Mother’s on school in general. I was raised homeschooled and thought a lot about doing that with Sawyer but I knew in my heart of hearts that Sawyer needed to be taught in a loving and caring environment with energy and amongst other children. If you know Sawyer, we were blessed with an intelligent, vocal, tenacious, playful, and spirited boy, his love for people is endless and he never meets a stranger. So when his first day of school came I thought I would be just like all the other Mom’s weeping and crying over him leaving the nest for a few hours in the morning. Although I was a little sad, I felt guilty that I wasn’t crying and wasn’t like all the other Mom’s lighting up my Facebook page with tear stained cheeks and tired eyes holding up their kids chalk board creation of 1st days. Although, I have to admit, in his orientation they prayed over the students and the year ahead and the tears came. BUT, those tears were because we’re so blessed that prayer is in the school we chose for him and that he gets to be apart of learning not only at home about Jesus but in school.
OK, so fast forward to when I picked him up from his first day…I was elated to see him peek through the line looking for me, with a big smile on my face I said “HI SAWYER!!!”…His face, well it wasn’t a happy look, it was a look of defeat written all over it, he got in the car and was completey closed off to me. In my head I’m thinking, “I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL, its crushing his spirit and his joy is gone! I am homeschooling and we’re done here.” Im still not sure what this stemmed from but what I do know is that he met two new teachers and new friends and learning the new schedule. In his head his entire way of life is different now with this new schedule.
Skip ahead a few days, and no, I didn’t give up yet! He’s now looking for me again, spots me and says “ughhhh, not again!”, then
runs walks over slowly to me and starts to cry, I said “Sawyer what is wrong?” He says, “I don’t want to weave I want to play with my friends and stay a wittle wonger”…This time I am pretty sure he’s just out to pretty much crush this Mommy heart. All I want is a big hug and kiss and have him say I missed you! I let him play for a little bit while I went to the car to tear up a little while as I watched him play with the other kids. So many questions in my head, do I not play with him at home enough? Does he not feel loved by me? Do I need to play more games with him? Do I need to feed him even more mac n cheese? Dessert after every meal? What am I doing wrong, GOD?
So today, I noticed something I wanted to share..while River and I watched Sawyer play through the fence I noticed a boy ran as fast as he could to his Mother as he spotted her, as soon as he got to her he put his arm through the chain link fence and held his Mom’s hand as she stroked it until she was able to sign him out for the day. As I watch, I began to get sad that MY boy doesn’t run over with excitement and do everything is his power to hold onto me. I had a wake up call at that moment..this all stems from my insecurities as a parent and making sure I do everything perfect. Who told us we had to be perfect? Sawyer never told me that, God never told me that, my parents never told me that…so why do we feel as parents we have to be everything to everyone, to discipline the “right way”, bend over backwards to try and have a green thumb to feed our family from our own garden and be pinterest perfect? Although, I wish I did all of these things…IT’S OK! No one is going to fail you, I am doing the best job I can through this crazy, insane, and amazing season of my life. Sawyer not running over to me doesn’t mean that my child doesn’t love me less. He loves me just as much. He’s excited to see me but he knows I will be there..there is a comfort in that. I am seeing so much strength in Sawyer and if his strengths are steered in the correct direction he will move mountains one day. That is my prayer. Our children are beautifully and wonderfully different from one to another.
I am celebrating the friendships made and the character building that happens from 9am – 12:15 on the daily. Would love to hear if any of you have had similar experiences or different. How have you handled the preschool age of new routines and new schedules set? Thank you for reading my thoughts.